When You Start to See the Payoffs

As a parent, you're never sure if you're making the right decisions or the wrong ones. In fact, each passing year it tends to feel more likely that you're failing. What with all the wonderful opportunities to make mistakes and all. We can't possibly be doing things correctly, can we?

When they're born, we worry that we're holding them too much or too little. When they're toddlers we worry when we run out of patience or when we coddle them. Then they make it to school and you have a plethora of other children to compare yours to and that's when the worrying gets intense.

Your kid makes a friend and they sound nice enough the way your kiddo tells it. They come over for a play date and it happens. That one little thing you've been trying to get your own kid to do or learn, this other kid has it down. I mean, literally killing it. It may be learning their ABCs, manners at the table or even something simple like getting into the car and buckling up without a fight. Why is it this kid can do the thing but not yours? Well, because you messed up, obviously!

The older they get, the more evidence you have piled up against yourself. More importantly, you feel the pressures of time running out. It's so little, the time you have to raise them. When you think abut how long a person lives compared to the arbitrary age they "become adults". Every little gap in their understanding and word they can't spell, that's on you, buddy! In just X short years, you'll be out of time.

I'm in the teen era now, with three of them barreling towards the 'finish line' as we speak! My oldest son is 17 and graduating high school spring of '25. He has no clue if he is going to college or being a bum, could go either way at this point. Whatever he decides, I know he is going to be ok.

My daughter is 16 and a junior right now. She is about to have her license and grappling with the decision to graduate a year early or savor her senior year a little bit. I know whatever she decides she will be ok.

My youngest son is 15 and freshman this year. He was in sports pretty much his whole life and is thinking about retiring from them and exploring other things the world has to offer. I know whatever he decides to do, he will be ok. I know what you're thinking:

"Wait, how do you know they'll be ok, those decisions are important and affect the rest of their lives and could have huge repercussions!"

Well, first of all, calm down! We got enough wins under our belts that we finally were able to evaluate things clearly, and here's what we figured out:

Everyone is messing up their kids. We all just do it in different ways.

Before you start writing angry responses, hear me out. All those kids we constantly compared ours to, they always had other stuff going on. We got so caught up in being critical of ourselves that we inadvertently put blinders on. Sure Timmy can spell better than any other kid in his class but he stinks at math. Your niece? The one that is so good at gymnastics she has a chance at the Olympics? She is sneaking out on the weekends and drinking at parties.

This point was never made more obvious than when our kids had friends they got close with that seemed perfect (remember, blinders...) all the way until we found out something horrible about them. None more-so than a girlfriend our son once had. This girl was quiet and shy but very sweet and smart. She was in college classes in highschool and had her license. She was a very nice girl, sort of a best case scenario for a first serious girlfriend for our son.

The doubts about our parenting came when she started spending more time over at our house and describing what her family dynamic was like. In short, her parents didn't hound her about her grades or even monitor them. They didn't make her eat all her dinner and let her be a picky eater too. All these things that we avoided because we wanted to instill healthy habits in our kids and ensure they were studious. Yet, here this girl is, perfectly fine and functioning in the world without her parents having spent all that time planning and executing a well thought out parenting plan.

I can hear the self righteous parents now screaming about gentle parenting this and free spirited that. You might want to let me finish the story first. A couple of months went by where we were steadfast but doubtful. Then one day, she said something I won't ever forget. She told us that she likes having dinner at our house because we sit at the table and eat together and her family never does. Follow up conversations revealed she wasn't exaggerating.

They actually never sat down and ate dinner together. The reason she could be as picky as she wanted with her food? She made it herself. Oftentimes it was box mac and cheese or something microwavable. Sometimes her parents were there and sometimes they weren't. Either way, they didn't sit down and eat together.

As time went on, she said more similar things. She liked how we always ask where our kids are going and when they'll be back- her parents "didn't care". She liked our inside jokes and family stories, how we taught our kids to was the dishes and cook a meal, etc. .

Retribution!

Our son also told us about the time he spent at her house which confirmed the stories she told. Her parents weren't bad people, by any means. They were just different than us and it was strange to him. They showed their love in different ways, letting her decide how to spend her own time and generally not having a cow about the things she said and did (unlike us).

In the end, what we decided was, we probably did mess a bunch of stuff up. We yelled too many times and cared too much about the specific number of bites our kids took of their vegetables. In all of that mess, we did one very important thing right. We were always together. Every second we got, every activity we did, we were always together. Sports games, piano recitals, cooking their first meals, we were there for all of it. When it really comes down to it, that's what matters most.